Them Read online

  “Oh, come on,” I said. “Mock human sacrifice. At worst.”

  “I know the Branch Davidians,” continued Alex. “They have their little five-hour Bible-study meetings every Saturday. They are really boring, to be frank…”

  “That wasn’t boring,” I admitted.

  “That was occultic,” said Alex. “You’ve got former and current Presidents, all these old men in the crowd chuckling their mirthful death rattles. ‘Burn him! Burn him!’”

  “They’re cheering for this guy to be killed,” yelled Mike. “It’s disgusting.”

  “That’s not normal,” said Violet.

  “It just got weirder and weirder and weirder,” said Alex. “You’ve got eighty-year-old men peeing on trees and going, ‘Here! Let’s pee!’ You’ve got the Fortune 500 crowd, politicians, peeing on trees, out in public. I mean on concrete paved roads. Even though they’ve got toilets, like, five feet away. Whipping it out and peeing and peeing and peeing. It’s running down the street. Now they’re worshipping owls and burning humans in effigy. You’ve got death on a black boat bringing a papier-mache person so they can burn him for some idol, some owl god, some demon.”

  “Oh, come on,” I said. “They were only saying that for two weeks they should forget their worldly cares. Be reasonable.”

  “Look,” snapped Alex, “we understand that they’re not literally killing a person. OK? We understand that. But, Jon, let’s get this straight. They were burning a human in effigy in deference to their great owl god. This was a simulated human sacrifice complete with the person begging and pleading for his life. This was bizarre Luciferian garbage.”

  Mike stood up. He paced the room. He rapped the walls with his knuckles.

  “They did not kill an effigy of a person,” I said. “They burnt a symbol of their troubles so they can enjoy their bloody summer holiday.’”

  “THEY WERE KILLING AN EFFIGY OF A PERSON!” roared Alex.

  “THEY BLOODY WERE NOT!” I yelled, “YOU’RE DOING TO THEM” – I pointed furiously at the TV screen– “EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID TO RANDY WEAVER AND DAVID KORESH! SURE! THEY’RE BEROBED! SURE! THEY RULE THE WORLD! SURE! THEY’VE GOT A GIANT STONE OWL AND THEY’RE BURNING A – UM – HUMAN-ISH EFFIGY IN FRONT OF IT! BUT YOU’RE PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND MAKING FIVE IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THAT THEY SAW THAT RANDY WEAVER WAS HIGHLY ARMED AND HE FREQUENTED ARYAN NATIONS AND THEY CONSEQUENTLY DECIDED THAT HE MUST BE A HIGHLY ARMED – UM – WHITE SUPREMACIST!”

  I paused for breath and saw that Alex and Mike and Violet were staring at me with incredulity.

  “Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s just been an exhilarating night.”

  “This will not fly with the American people,” said Mike. “How do you think the American people will react when we tell them?”

  “What are you going to tell them?” I asked.

  “That it’s all true!” yelled Mike. “I looked the New World Order in the face out there! I saw a bunch of old rich white men, our leaders, out there sacrificing something to an owl god. I think they’re sacrificing people in the real world too. Ruby Ridge. Waco. Oklahoma City.”

  Mike splashed cold water onto his face.

  “There will be an outcry about this,” he said. “These are the doctors who make the vaccines that get pumped into our children. These are the people who make the movies our children watch. They’re at the top, bringing all that stuff down on us. These are the people that bomb innocent countries and justify it by making them demons. It wasn’t fun and games to me. I had a tear in my eye.”

  Mike had a tear in his eye now. I gave up. I believed I was right, but who knows? Perhaps Alex and Mike’s interpretation was equally correct. Alex patted Mike on the shoulder.

  “Good job, Mike,” he said.

  ♦

  The next morning, as Mike had recommended, Alex copied all of his undercover Bohemian Grove footage for me. I watched the tape being transferred. I watched the ceremony again in my hotel room in Los Angeles on my way back home to London. I placed the tape underneath my clothes in my suitcase. I checked my suitcase in at the airport. I retrieved it at Gatwick. When I arrived home, I put the tape into my video recorder and pressed play. There was Alex and Mike diving into the undergrowth. There they were wandering through the grounds. There they were heading down to the lagoon at dusk. And then – and I offer no explanation for this, no theories – the tape blanked out. The ceremony had somehow been erased.

  BOMBSHELL: ELITIST BOHEMIAM GROVE CULT BLOWN WIDE OPEN!

  In the weeks that followed, Alex did, indeed, stream his video on his website. It immediately became an underground blockbuster. Everywhere I looked, the internet was aflame with news of the daring raid.

  FIRST EVER VIDEO FROM INSIDE THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIAN GLOBALIST RETREAT OBTAINED! LEADERS FROM POLITICS, BIG BUSINESS, ACADEMIA AND THE ARTS CAPTURED ON TAPE WORSHIPPING A 50-FOOT HORNED OWL AND ENGAGING IN MOCK HUMAN SACRIFICE.

  Radio Talk-Show Host and Documentary Filmmaker Alex Jones infiltrated the cult on one of their highest holy days to witness the infamous ‘Cremation of Care’. On July 15, 2000, Jones, carefully disguised as a ‘Grover’, spent four hours inside the elite cult compound. Armed with two hidden digital video cameras, he observed and documented bizarre public urination and the worship of a giant stone horned owl deity. Other news:

  THE BUSH GANG: WANTED FOR INTERNATIONAL MURDER, CHILD ABUSE, DRUG RUNNING, AND GENOCIDE. YOU KNOW THE FATHER NOW MEET THE SON.

  NATO LEADERS CONTROLLED BY BILDERBERG. BILDERBERG SUMMIT CLOSES IN PORTUGAL UNDER MASSIVE SECURITY

  …Reporter Jon Ronson was understandably disturbed by the experience of being trailed by security men in a green Lancia K throughout Wednesday. According to Ronson, the British Embassy had told him not to provoke any incidents and that his fate was in his own hands…

  WHY WAS THE SPOTLIGHT’S JIM TUCKER AND REPORTER JON RONSON CHASED BY BILDERBERG SECURITY IN PORTUGAL?

  Perhaps the whole reason was just so Tucker could write an outlandish article about it that nobody would believe because of The Spotlight’s racist tendencies. Perhaps they were chased just so nobody would believe them.

  I got tired. I turned off my computer.

  EOF

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